SHAME! It Doesn’t Work. (A Reflection on Our Response to the National Cathedral & Other Things…)
The Episcopal social media world has been aflame the last forty-eight hours after the National Cathedral’s Facebook post about Christmas Eve. It turns out, if you’d like to attend one of the many Christmas-related worship services — sure to be brilliant and moving — you need to buy a $7 ticket.
It did not take long for the responses and criticism to come crashing down. How could they charge someone to receive Holy Communion? Isn’t there a Canon against that? What terrible leadership by the Cathedral clergy! How could the Bishop allow it! I watched some Monday Night football and opened Facebook just a few hours later. Meme’s were already created and people were checking in as being “safe” from being charged $7 for communion at the Cathedral. Ha, ha!
In recent years we’ve gone on a lot about love in The Episcopal Church. It is what fuels the Jesus Movement. As our grand Presiding Bishop Michael Curry says, “If it’s not about love, it’s not about God.” I can’t help noticing, though, we have also been fueled by a much more sinister source — shame.
Brene Brown rightly writes,
I have no idea what it is like to be the Dean of the National Cathedral. I do know this — Dean Randy Hollerith has proven himself again and again as an incredibly capable leader and has earned our trust. Bishop Mariann Edgar Budde? I’d follow her anywhere. A more missional and courageous leader you’re never likely to meet. (Remember when she went on the cable news networks after President Trump’s stunt at St. John’s, Lafeyette Square?)
Friends — if people like Hollerith and Budde aren’t good enough for us, who is? And if it is correction and not shame that you are after, how in the world does making a meme and piling on in the comments do that for you?
Consider another case. Just a few weeks ago the Houston Chronicle published an article about how St. Martin’s, Houston, welcomed it’s 10,000th member. The Episcopal News Service shared the article out into the Episcopal world with an article of its own. Do you wanna guess what dominated the responses that I saw?
SHAME!
Brown writes in Dare to Lead (p. 145): “There are two ways to predict when we are going to judge: We judge in areas where we’re most susceptible to shame, and we judge people who are doing worse than we are in those areas…I’ve yet to come across a company that has both a shaming, judgmental culture and wonderful customer service.” Yikes!
It makes sense to me that a declining church would dish out the shame toward leaders that have — you know — people standing in line to go and worship at their churches. Is there another Episcopal clergy that has 10 times as many people wanting to go to their Christmas Eve service as seats? Who else do we know with a membership of 10,000?
Rather than opine in the comments about what they are doing wrong, wouldn’t it behoove us, as humbling as that may be, to buy The Reverends Hollerith and Levenson lunch and, with legal pad in hand, ask them to teach us about what they are doing that is resonating so well in their mission fields? Rather than use them to make ourselves feel better, why not bless them and their work and see what we can learn? Crazy talk, I know.
The most troubling thing for me, as I am firmly in the third quarter of my ministry, is that I know I am one mistake away from the receiving end of this shaming. I’m one knuckleheaded move away from my friends piling on, just like Randy’s friends have been doing to him these last few days. (Not just him, but his staff, that I know he cares for and protects.)
Vulnerably, I’ll tell you that there are several things I’ve thought of doing in cross-cultural ministry that I probably won’t do, just because I’m afraid of making a mistake. Fear says, “Stay in your lane, Michie, you’re almost home.” Brown says shame-avoiding behavior like this is expected in shaming cultures like ours.
My point is that this is no way for us to move forward in our alleged Jesus Movement. We need to keep some space where we can make mistakes. We need to trust our good leaders to make correction, move toward reconciliation, and feel what it is like to stand up against the urge to shame and overcome it.
Before I went to bed last night I looked up Galatians 6:1: “My friends, if anyone is detected in a transgression, you who have received the Spirit should restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness.” We are the Spirit-filled folks — maybe we could find a way to be more gentle? I love the way Peterson puts it in The Message: “Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out.”
(The Cathedral has changed their policy on this in response to the curfuffle. Here’s a link to give to help them defray their incredible costs if you are so inclined.)
Geez! I hope I just didn’t write a shaming post about shaming. As afraid as I am about that, I’m pressing “Publish” with a prayer that we can continue our important discourse together in gentleness and love, and in an environment where error leads to learning and restoration. I want us to be brave! I believe we have something important to offer our mission fields — a way of being and a manner of worship where people will stand in line to attend. What’s more, we serve a gracious and loving Savior, who just loves the sound when we drop our rocks of condemnation.
Merry Christmas!
