Walking Away & Staying Close: Parents, Proverbs and The First Day of School
Today was the first day of school for us at St. Thomas Episcopal School in San Antonio, Texas. It was particularly fun for me as the Rector, since I got to greet our students, encourage our staff and, in some cases, comfort the parents. There is a dreaded moment that happens for parents on the first day of school: when the child is secure in the new classroom, the day has begun and its time to walk away. There is no way around it, you have to walk away. There is a way to walk away and stay close. As the father of three, a newly minted empty-nester, and a reader of Proverbs in the Bible, here are three thoughts I’d like to encourage you with today.
First, tell your child believe in them. I’ve observed that children often raise or lower their anxiety and emotional levels to match their parents. If you are stressed, they will be stressed. If you are sad, they will be too, just to please you. De-pressurize the environment and let your child know how proud you are of them and how confident you are in their ability to do well.
Please note, I’m not saying not to be sad, anxious or stressed. Feel what ever you need to feel and share it with your spouse, friends or your friendly neighborhood priest! It is important, though, to put your own emotions to the side and create the space where your child can bring to you what they are feeling. Many children will internalize their fears and anxiety, or even hide their confidence and joy when they see a parent frantic and stressed about the school supply list, the morning routine or the latest school-related drama. School is about our children, not about us.
Children are born with an ear to hear the voice of their parents. As vigilant as we are about so many things as parents, we must be most vigilant about what our children hear us say, and most of all, the words we direct at them. “Rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” — Proverbs 12:8
Second, present yourself as a partner with and advocate of your child’s teacher and the school administration. Way too many times, this relationship is needlessly adversarial. It will be what you make it. You have to know that there will be times when you are frustrated and disagree. Those are precisely the moments that God has given you to sow words of trust and encouragement into the relationship, rather than anger and bitterness. Hear the wisdom of Proverbs 16:24, “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.” Want to have a great school year? Look for ways to say and write pleasant words to teachers and administrators. That way, when problems arise you’ll have a reservoir of kindness and respect to work from.
Similarly, keep your frustrations and harsh words away from your child. When a child hears a parent say things like “that teacher is an idiot!” it can be very confusing. They just might believe you, internalize that and make matters all the worse in the classroom for everyone. They also might feel like affection and admiration of their teacher means being disloyal to you, which is also not good.
Third, trust God. In a few weeks I’ll be in Eugene, Oregon (2,201 miles from my house, not that anyone is counting) dropping off my youngest for her freshman year at the University of Oregon. My moment of walking away is nigh upon me. Our children get older from the day they are born. All of this work and love and care and education and nurture that we pour into them has to be headed somewhere, right? And that “somewhere”, I’m finding out, is an independent life from me and my wife. The point of parenting is for them to be secure, happy and positioned for success. There’s no way around it, I have to trust them and I must trust God.
Proverbs 16:20 says, “Those who are attentive to a matter will prosper, and happy are those who trust in the Lord.” That’s right. We must be attentive and trust in the Lord. Trusting God without attentiveness is neglect. But being attentive and not trusting is a recipe for stress, anxiety, anger and pain. Believe in the good work you have done, are doing and will do as a parent. Believe in your child and let them know you trust them to act right and learn well. Believe in the people God has sent to help you educate your child. Believe in God. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” — Proverbs 3:5–6
You can do it! You can walk and away and stay close. Have a blessed school year!
